Lindy Kato (Writer)

This isn’t really a rant, it is a statement of fact, after twenty years our domestic appliances are kaput. We have become like those families that have whiteware on the lawn, because we do have whiteware on the lawn.

Washing machine (age unknown, more than 20 years)

According to Google, font of all knowledge, the lifespan of any brand of washing machine is eleven to fourteen years. Top loaders, like ours, being at the longer end of the spectrum. It was already second hand when we bought it twenty years ago and was previously in the possession of a family with young children and a baby. They will have used it every day, possibly more than once a day. We had a giant Maytag, when we had children at home. It had an “on” button and not much more but washed the clothes with astonishing enthusiasm. We left it behind when we moved. Two old farts don’t need a washing machine like that.

The washing machine has been fixed by the local electrician a couple of times because he had the sense to sequester a few spare parts before the manufacturers stopped making them. The last time he came he found a cotton bud jammed in the works. He refused to charge me but I persuaded him to at least accept petrol money. People like him are disappearing as well.

This time though, the magic smoke has come out of it. The smell permeated the house and the wet clothes, and we had to siphon the water out because washing machines are very heavy even empty. I had wet, dirty and now smelly clothes and no machine. I hate handwashing.

The only place with a machine that would fit in the tiny space the other one came out of simply weren’t interested in selling us anything, so we ordered one from a place with a more enthusiasm. I would hate to be a salesperson; I understand their reluctance to bother.

We paid for it, and for delivery as these things are heavy, but it didn’t come. There had been a paperwork problem. So now two weeks without a washing machine and resorting to buying more undies…I did wash some stuff – I decided face-to-face was better than phone. We almost had an egg and cress sandwich situation (Rhod Gilbert) because I could see they had a display model! Worse still, it had only been in the shop for two days so it seemed more likely that it was, in fact, our order. The salesperson with the enthusiasm boxed it up and sent it out the next day and I have done a pile of washing this week.

To be fair it is the only item to die permanently and the only one more than twenty years old.

Fridge-Freezer (age 20 years)

Our fridge-freezer we replaced Christmas eve. My Sweetheart repaired it after everything in it froze several times because the plastic thingy that made the door shut properly had broken. He replaced it with a handmade aluminium thingy and it was fine for many years. Then one of the handles came off and we couldn’t get any replacement parts but fixed it back on with plastic wire ties. They held it quite firmly and it still worked well but we knew the writing was on the wall and I have had a freezer defrost all over the floor before. I didn’t want to risk a repeat of that. Consumer New Zealand estimates ten to eleven years for a fridge-freezer. We sold ours and as far as I know it is still going.

Oven (age 20 years)

The oven door has never shut properly. That has had the element replaced and now only the grill is working. I just cooked a fabulous batch of muffins using the fan grill though I note that not all the grill is working either. I cooked a roast chicken dinner with Yorkshire pud last weekend using the grill to heat the oven. There are spare parts, but they cost more than the thing is worth. Electric ovens should last fifteen years ‘with care’ and ours never received any care at all.

Dishwasher (age 20 years)

The dishwasher is a different thing though. I care deeply about the dishwasher, (lifespan ten years according to Google). When we were first married we had a dispute over the washing up. Stan had started on an appalling shift involving days and nights, rest days, rolling rest days and it was his turn to wash the dishes and he wouldn’t because he thought it was my turn. We are both a little stubborn (childish) and our dirty dishes piled up on the draining board. When we ran out we borrowed the neighbours crockery. Eventually she sheepishly knocked on the door and asked for her plates back. The stack of unwashed dishes was a health hazard by then and we had to wash up, I caved first and I think we had the first domestic dishwasher sold in the UK.

Stan has repaired our current dishwasher eight times from memory. If you think this is sounding like Trigger’s broom from Only Fools and Horses, (written by the talented John Sullivan and starring much loved David Jason (actually Sir David John White but because there was already an Equity member with that name he took the surname Jason which was actually the name of his twin brother who died at birth)), where the character Trigger receives an award for saving the council money by using the same broom for twenty years, despite it receiving seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles. No, our dishwasher isn’t quite like that, and it is still washing dishes. The hinges were dodgy and where the door slammed open so often the string holding the door up has been replaced three times. The latch and switch once and the twirly things once. Now the door is bent from all the slamming and has to be held shut with a specially fashioned lump of wood and a swift kick.

Before you mention it, I have heard of the ship of Theseus, but Trigger’s broom is much funnier.

This means we have had at least thirty years more service than anticipated from our appliances. We probably can’t get much more out of the oven, and dishwasher could limp on for a while. I wish everything lasted until we are able to build the new kitchen – but so be it. The gas water heater is also twenty years old. They last eight to twelve years with regular inspection…ours has never been inspected. Since it heats water we will leave the thing alone. Don’t fret, it is an outdoor appliance, we won’t get gassed.